It has been quite a while since I've last posted -- 6 months to be precise. But the last 6 months have not been without its struggles, discoveries, and experiences. But it has been a period of my life that I would never give back.
If you don't know, I want to quickly explain my situation. For the last 3 years I had been living with my sister, Chandra, and her husband, Brian, in southeastern Pennsylvania. As a Canadian, I acquired an international student F1 visa to attend school for graphic design. The situation was great. They supported me and paid for my schooling and every expense, and I did my best to return the favor by acting as a nanny, babysitting their two girls, and working around the house.
In short, God has called Chandra, Brian, and their children to leave their lives behind - jobs and all - in PA and move to Colorado to start a ministry. I feel led by God to go with them. This calling has not come into fruition until this past year. While we faithfully worked every Saturday the past 3 years to get the house ready for that eventual sale, it was only about a year ago when God got the family in hyper mode. We finally had the house in a good enough selling state by May, and officially listed it that month.
It was an exciting time, since we all figured God would help us sell the house in time to move out by September. It seemed like perfect timing - timing God would pride himself in - since their youngest daughter Hailey would be starting kindergarten, and I'd be finished my degree in time to start a new one in Colorado. But the first several weeks we had no interest in the house. None. With each passing week, I have to admit my heart sank more and more as I struggled to maintain my faith. Finally, we got a couple nibbles, but nothing came of them.
Finally June arrived, and I was finishing the last class of my graphic design degree. As my graduation crept closer and closer, the need to sort out my future was becoming more eminent. I had to sort through a lot of frustration because I was begging God to reveal to me what I was supposed to be doing - applying for a college in PA, Colorado, a job, what? I felt hopeless because I wasn't hearing much. I questioned whether I was even doing the right thing. I feared having to go back to Canada. I had a month-long trip planned to Europe in July/August, and after that vacation, my F1 visa status would be terminated, and I would have to go back and live in Canada.
The possibility terrified me. Finally, my sister pointed out to me that my idea of my role in this life was to sit back, and have God use me as a puppet. I am a strong woman of God, and yet I have had a tantrum if God didn't lay out the trail of crackers for me. I wanted him to do it then. My future was in jeopardy, and I felt since I was making the big sacrifice to trust God, I figured he had to let me in on the plan.
One day I would trust God, and the next I would doubt Him. But through that time - this past summer - I have grown immensely in my trust in my Father. I have gone much deeper in the Word and in conversation with God, and slowly I am discovering who I thought God is isn't who He is in reality, but merely a convenient genie-in-a-bottle confined to my faulty human logic.
But my logic doesn't compare with God's wisdom. In Jesus' world, paradoxes are paramount! You must give up your life to save it. You are rich when you are poor. God makes you strong in your weakness. In short, God's economy isn't anything like our man-made economy. God was wanting so much more for me. He wanted me to step out in faith. Just like Gideon, He wanted me to recognize the strength and power within me.
I've since stepped up to the plate, and am starting to play an active role in my life with God. He has his plans, but I am dedicated to walking in close fellowship with Him so as to not lean on my own understanding, but His wisdom. Sometimes that means I inquire of Him, he instructs and I obey. I've got that down pretty good. But other times He wants us to walk out in active faith. He's not always going to spell it out. In fact, he's going to leave some acts of the play up to us.
And so, right now I am living with my parents in Toronto, Canada. It was a difficult transition, since I felt like I had no purpose here. I've since found a wonderful, God-fearing church who has welcomed me like one of their own. I've found small jobs here and there with my mother, and my other sister, Cindy - babysitting, cleaning etc. I feel like I am in a waiting period, but having so much time on my hand is a blessing because I have many more opportunities to really pursue God.
In this time, I believe that God wants me to use this waiting time to grow independent, and mature. I am practicing finally making my own decisions - both in my thought world, and the real world. Before, my thought processes were lacking. If ever I had a question, I'd just ask Chandra, and so my reasoning was TERRIBLE. Seriously, sometimes I think my logic was worse than my 4-year-old niece, Hailey.
And so, I've learned in this time that I will never begin to understand God's ways if I am constantly registering the data through my human filter. I think often God works according to our preconceived notions to sometimes humor us, help us, and other times because we're not ready to take it on. But He longs for a deeper connection with you. I want to learn how to play a role, but still have myself completely surrendered to God.
It's a strange, and confusing ideal to master, but I think if we're up to it God will help us every step of the way. Why does God petition us to not lean on our own understanding? It's because, well from our perspective, his logic is WHACK. As I can imagine what Chandra and Brian are thinking: "You mean you want me to quit my high-paying job to move to some far off land to start a ministry for you, which I still don't even know what it is?"
Jut read about Gideon and you'll get the picture. Read about Samson. David. Abraham. Ruth. Paul. Jesus. They're all stories that contain one painfully obvious element - none of the stories pan out like you'd expect.
I think if you could find an author who writes as masterfully as God writes out our lives, he would be a trillionaire. In the meantime, I'm going to grab a pen, and start writing out a draft with my Master Editor.
