The last couple months have definitely been a growing experience for myself. Yet I still feel so small when faced with the big expanse that awaits me, which most would call my 'future'. I think the moment when I start to feel secure and at ease in my circumstances is the moment God is most interested in stirring things up.
I've been comfortable now for the last 3 years. I know I never would have considered such a thing to be reality, but it is entirely accurate. It does not mean I didn't have to work hard, but things were presented to me in such a neat, little package that I took for granted much of the time.
My living expenses were completely taken care of by my sister and brother-in-law. And since I cannot work in the US with a student Visa, there was no pressure or expectation to get a job. Of course the agreement was that I would care for their two children whenever I was not in school, and follow up with my routine chores, but I really had no outside pressure I had to respond to.
I received a handful of graphic and web jobs through the church and friends. Sometimes it resulted in money; other times it didn't. But I was content. I was doing what I loved , and getting experience for it. It filled up my time nicely.
As long as I okayed it with the 'rents, I could come and go as I please. I was free to use their vehicles. I was welcomed as one of the family. I felt like I was living what I had lost out in my childhood.
Despite the hellish issues I had to overcome because of spiritual and family upbringing , life was pretty sweet. And I knew it. I just never wanted it to end.
Now I am faced with a huge emptiness before me that I am tempted to fill - my daunting future. I still feel God is leading me to reside in the US, but as of right now, that calling doesn't seem to be coming to fruition quite yet. I got myself in the country for 3 years, and I know that what I was doing was exactly where God wanted me to be.
But where to now? I was accepted into Colorado Technical University in Colorado Springs in anticipation of my sister and brother-in-law moving out to Colorado. However, there has not been one offer on their house, and my start date is January. As of right now, it appears as if I should brace myself and prepare for the harsh Canadian winter.
But what to do now? That question has plagued me for the last couple weeks. My hopes were high that God would perform some miracle to allow me the way to return to the US, but as I spend more time in Toronto, I'm beginning to suspect God doesn't want me back in the US quite yet.
And so, the alternative has been testing for me - getting a job in Toronto. Yes, when I first started college I was this emotionally weak, stunted girl who panicked whenever she would handle any life task of her own (making a phone call, having an appointment, visiting a new area). However, I've matured so much in that aspect because Chandra and Brian refused to coddle me, but instead chose to love, and support me. I resented them for it at first; now I feel eternally indebted to them.
God knew that I needed to grow emotionally before I could properly handle bigger demands. He has helped me tremendously in becoming more emotionally healthy, but now I'm finding my lack of experience with the "real world" becoming all the more apparent. It's time I grow in this area. I really have no concept of the struggles, and demands of life but I'm dedicated to growing in this area.
I know within the first weeks of being in Toronto, God quickly revealed His purpose for me: to toughen me up. I had slowly lost sight of that goal, and in the last few weeks, I let myself get into a tailspin over what truly was God's plan was for me.
At first, I hesitated at considering employment as an option for my time here in Toronto, believing it would be a permanent situation, and would cancel any possibility of returning to the US. Oh the naivete of a 20-year-old student. My fear and my inexperience were not helping.
I'm not entirely sure where God wants me, but I am doing my best to use the time He's given me wisely, and not run before Him. It's a difficult process. I don't want to step outside of God's purpose because His pathway is the best route...but He's also given us freedom to grow in relationship with Him and learn the ins and outs of life. And that's what I'm learning to do right now - learning the balance of surrender and responsibility.
I have been waiting, and in the meantime God has given me delicious bread crumbs to egg on my spirit. I haven't experience an "Aha!" moment or direct revelation from God, but I'm thinking getting a job would be a positive option right now.
And I'm suspecting God had that planned all along, and was waiting for me to clue in. Granted, I have been employed once before - at this fast-food soup restaurant - but I sense now that God wants me to learn more independence and life skills.
Well...I might have that possibility sooner than I would have expected. I've been offered a month-long contract at Mark's Work Warehouse for the Christmas holidays. I was tempted to refuse at first only because I thought it would jeopardize my opportunity for a future internship or job in graphic or web work.
Not so, as my sister so kindly pointed out. Lesson #1 learned.
Let's see what else this world wants to teach me.
