Stuck on Autopilot

Lately, I've been watching a show called May Day quite frequently. To summarize, it's an hour-long episode, which investigates and reenacts previous airplane emergencies and crashes. While I know the phobia of flying on an airplane is common in my family, I myself on the other hand am strangely intrigued by the subject matter.

Despite some of the horrific accidents and experiences, I find it reassuring to know they put so much money, time and effort into investigating these crashes and making sure they aren't repeated. Not to mention the small black box sitting in front of me helps me feel comfortably detached from reality.

Nevertheless, in many of the emergencies there comes a time where the pilot must make the decision to turn off auto-pilot. It's often at this critical moment where a pilot can save the plan or lead it faster to its demise. Auto-pilot is designed to function more efficiently than its human counterpart under normal, unchanging conditions. But when the plane gets damaged, weather changes, or other unforeseen circumstances arise, the auto-pilot can no longer safely drive the plane. In fact, it will cause more harm than good.

The pilot's and staff's initial reactions always stand out to me. How are they handling the emergency? What is their first reaction? Are they acting on instinct or knowledge? In other words, are they acting based on what they think they know or what they sense? One common element in an accident is that the pilots rarely know what is the true cause of the emergency - appearances are often deceiving. Training sometimes can be misleading.

And so I cannot help myself but imagine where I fit into their chaos. Am I the calming flight attendant? The panicking passenger? The screaming baby? No, I look to the cockpit, and reflect on the captain's role and his responsibility for the trip's success.

Not too recently, God revealed to me that I was living my day-to-day life on auto-pilot. Very efficient, effective, and secure. Who would suggest to do otherwise? But in a world of flash storms, congested runways, and modified itineraries, auto pilot is not always the safest nor the most beneficial route.

I was relying too much on my involuntary responses, and I essentially had checked out. Following after God was a trying task for me, and I had placed such a yoke on myself striving to determine His next step to mirror. Evidently, I lost sight of the real meaning of "following God" so once I realized striving wasn't the answer, with little thought, I flipped the switch and took to the other extreme. I wasn't letting God steer the plane, but I sure wasn't flying it either.

And I was comfortable on auto-pilot. It didn't require much of me at all, and I assumed God was pleased with my decision. With my feet kicked up on the dash, reading some inane Archie's comic, I was enjoying my time. But God sent some mild turbulence my way to get me to look up from beneath my shades, and get my attention. He wasn't going to give up on me that easily. Thankfully, I noticed soon before the turbulence had to get really violent to wake me from my dozing.

At first, I made the decision to take responsibility with much muttering under my breath. But as I reflected on all that God had done for me, it was easy to see how He had done so much to prove His love and reliability when He didn't have to. Slowly, fear turned into trust, and I made what was in my mind a leap of faith, and I hit the switch.

I've learned that ditching auto-pilot isn't necessarily a simple task. Not only is it not an easy decision, but the initial results can be terrifying. In one scenario in May Day, there was a mechanical glitch in the airplane, and the aircraft starting to bank dangerously to the left. The pilot understood he had to risk turning off auto-pilot to redirect the plane, or they would most certainly crash.

As soon as he flipped the switch, the plane flew madly out of control. It's nose dipped down, and the aircraft was locked in a ferociously steep nose dive. It didn't matter which way the aviator pulled at the yoke, he had no control. Just hundreds of feet away from impact, almost miraculously the pilot was able to gain control of the aircraft, and perform a life-saving emergency landing. I can't even begin to fathom how heart-wrenching such an experiencing would be.

And yet, it doesn't sound that different from our lives. Living life God's way is no guarantee that our life will be full of rainbows and butterflies. In fact, becoming a follower of Christ often means struggle and refinement, but all for the purpose of the Lord's plan. Where the pilot analogy falls short is that God is ultimately in control and sovereign in our lives. He really is our pilot, and we are the co-pilot. We can find relief because the success of our journey is not entirely up to us. In fact, we will not get to our true destination outside of God's help.

Though God has asked us to take on the responsibility of our lives, and that of loving and serving others, He is with us every mile of the trek. Make a wrong turn? God will work it out. Damaging storms? The Lord will make the repairs. Foolish decision? Our Father can redeem that.

It is in our weakness that God's power is made manifest and perfect (2 Cor. 12:8-9). He is continually perfecting us and helping us mature and grow for the day when we will rule as kings. It's not an easy task, and neither is this life, but it's definitely a rewarding one when we spend every moment of it pursuing God.

Much of the challenge lies in balancing our responsibility of the aircraft, and God's role in the journey. We know we truly are not the first pilot, but we are the co-pilot and the co-pilot's duties are as essential for the journey's success. It is a fine line between domineering our own lives and becoming our own god, and sitting back and expecting God to do all the work. But it's one I am committed to figuring out both in my screw ups, and successes at God's right hand.

Are you willing to take the dive too?

Awakening

Recently, I have felt distant from God.  I feel like I'm heading back in the right direction, but part of me deep down is scared - the small child in me that has wounded, and been hurt; the small girl that has tried, failed, and lost.

She sits quietly in the corner, and says little.  But I can hear the scream of her bleeding eyes.  She wants to believe.  She desperately hopes, but she does not know if it is worth the risk.  She fears it will all work out the same.  She is vulnerable, and knows the truth, but she also remembers.

Whenever I have fallen astray from God, it's always when I've walked furthest from my heart.  I have accomplished this through many tactics.  One chapter of my life, I turned off my heart.  I believed I had been hurt more than I had deserved so I shut down, and I lived a cold existence.  I hoped that my dedication to God would save me from pain, but after repeated let downs, I decided I would no longer handle it.  I would feel no pain, but I would feel no joy or love either.  God had wounded me, and I knew how to wound Him the deepest.  I closed myself off to Him.  I really was doing the most damage to myself.

It took great turbulence and trials to wake me from my heartless somber.  Just as a defibrillator is invasive, and forceful, God had to kick start my heart in such a brutal manner.  Yet, I could not be more grateful for what He did.  Just as a father desires the least pain for his daughter, God took the least painful path possible to get my attention.  But I'm pretty stubborn, so it meant it had to hurt a little like ripping off a Band-aid.  The wound needed to air.  It was not healing under the moist conditions of the bandage.  Though I was blissfully unaware of what havoc lay beneath the material, convinced the bandage was doing a beautiful job (actually it was doing exactly what I wanted - hiding the problem) God knew the sore was festering.

More recently though, slowly I let business take over my heart.  As work & church & my social life started to consume more of my time, one of the first things to go, shamefully, was my relationship with God.  How?  I slowly stopped living from the passion and love of my heart.

I know some might argue that our walk with God should have little do with our hearts, as it can lead us astray...but He lives in me. 1 John 4:15 says that whoever believes in Jesus Christ, God lives in him, and he in God. He has given me this body - heart, mind and soul - and chosen to dwell in it. I don't understand it, sometimes I question it, but I won't challenge it.  He knows what He's doing (He's proven that too many times to count!).  Anyway, He made this dwelling.

But when I got busy, I started to set aside the passions & desires of my heart.  I started to set aside all things poetical in my personal life - writing, music, love, worship, healthy fellowship.  These things in themselves do not sustain me or give me joy...but these seem to be knitted so deeply in my being that I yearn to live out a life of passion in, of and for God.  But I started to wane in my passion.

As the passion's fire started to flicker, my heart started to fail.  In my busy life, the last thing I needed was a crutch to slow me down.  I figured it more efficient to pack my heart away to return to it at a better time than nurse a dying thing.  As I left my heart in a box in the closet, I was neglecting to maintain the dwelling place of God.  I was letting His house grow dust bunnies.  More, I was setting aside the greatest connection to my God, the core of my relationship with God. Life - more importantly God  - lost its beauty, passion and lustre, and the every day became all about survival.  I had lost my first love.

The day I welcomed Jesus in, I do believe God moved into my heart.  Paul prayed that Christ would dwell in the hearts of the Ephesians through faith. It's a mysterious thing, but beautiful nonetheless.  However I do not doubt He has been with me from the moment of my conception - before I even knew God - but something very supernatural, and humanly inexplicable happened the moment I gave my life to Christ.  Some dynamic in Heaven and in the recesses of my soul shifted, and God's Spirit was now in me, and I now dwelled in Him.  I dusted off the welcome mat, opened the door, and God and I were now roommates.

But God isn't always an easy roommate to live with.  Worse, it's even harder to live with myself, but God has called me to this walk with Him.  Several components have made this arrangement tricky to abide by.  Mostly, it has to do with me - my will, my flesh & my heart.  My will fusses, my flesh indulges, and my heart is weak.

I find Psalm 37 depicts a beautiful picture.  David calls us to trust in the Lord, do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  I imagine the indwelling of the Spirit like a sleeping baby being cradled tightly in the arms of his mother.  Their bond is so close, and their connection so deep, they seem as one, and all is fair.  Living in and with God should not be tumultuous, but rather give me a life of spiritual peace & contentment. So what goes haywire?  Why is God's indwelling not a written guarantee that I will always feel alive?

The following verse in Psalm 37 makes it so apparent: I forget to delight in the Lord.  I set aside my heart, my passion, and my love for God - and this Life Story - and cease to delight in God.  For when I delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart.  The true desires of my heart are not that of success, fame and money, and if you are honest, neither are yours.  My deepest desire is to be in a constant dance with my Lover.  It is for my heart to beat with His, for the veins to flow into His so that when he is cut, I bleed.  It is not for Him to fulfill my whims & wishes...no I yearn for my desires to be transformed into His.

And as I let business take over, and distract me from my beautiful relationship with the Lord, He started to feel further and further away.  Yet not once did and never will my place with God change.  That is the inexplicable beauty of His grace and promise.  God will never leave our side even though He seems absent.  But when I decided He was no longer a priority, God wasn't going to fight my choice, but neither was He going to abandon me.   We were still living in the same place.  I had just turned off the light, and put in ear plugs so I couldn't hear or see Him even when He was jumping & yelling right next to me!

But it's time I start listening, and answering again.  Ignorance won't justify me, and neither do I want to miss out on the opportunities God is sending my way.  I'm taking out the ear plugs, opening up the curtains, and partying it up again with my God.

You and I - we dwell in the land of God, and I'm going back to enjoying the safe pasture God has set before me.

Growth

The last couple months have definitely been a growing experience for myself. Yet I still feel so small when faced with the big expanse that awaits me, which most would call my 'future'. I think the moment when I start to feel secure and at ease in my circumstances is the moment God is most interested in stirring things up.

I've been comfortable now for the last 3 years. I know I never would have considered such a thing to be reality, but it is entirely accurate. It does not mean I didn't have to work hard, but things were presented to me in such a neat, little package that I took for granted much of the time.

My living expenses were completely taken care of by my sister and brother-in-law. And since I cannot work in the US with a student Visa, there was no pressure or expectation to get a job. Of course the agreement was that I would care for their two children whenever I was not in school, and follow up with my routine chores, but I really had no outside pressure I had to respond to.

I received a handful of graphic and web jobs through the church and friends. Sometimes it resulted in money; other times it didn't. But I was content. I was doing what I loved , and getting experience for it. It filled up my time nicely.

As long as I okayed it with the 'rents, I could come and go as I please. I was free to use their vehicles. I was welcomed as one of the family. I felt like I was living what I had lost out in my childhood.

Despite the hellish issues I had to overcome because of spiritual and family upbringing , life was pretty sweet. And I knew it. I just never wanted it to end.

Now I am faced with a huge emptiness before me that I am tempted to fill - my daunting future. I still feel God is leading me to reside in the US, but as of right now, that calling doesn't seem to be coming to fruition quite yet. I got myself in the country for 3 years, and I know that what I was doing was exactly where God wanted me to be.

But where to now? I was accepted into Colorado Technical University in Colorado Springs in anticipation of my sister and brother-in-law moving out to Colorado. However, there has not been one offer on their house, and my start date is January. As of right now, it appears as if I should brace myself and prepare for the harsh Canadian winter.

But what to do now? That question has plagued me for the last couple weeks. My hopes were high that God would perform some miracle to allow me the way to return to the US, but as I spend more time in Toronto, I'm beginning to suspect God doesn't want me back in the US quite yet.

And so, the alternative has been testing for me - getting a job in Toronto. Yes, when I first started college I was this emotionally weak, stunted girl who panicked whenever she would handle any life task of her own (making a phone call, having an appointment, visiting a new area). However, I've matured so much in that aspect because Chandra and Brian refused to coddle me, but instead chose to love, and support me. I resented them for it at first; now I feel eternally indebted to them.

God knew that I needed to grow emotionally before I could properly handle bigger demands. He has helped me tremendously in becoming more emotionally healthy, but now I'm finding my lack of experience with the "real world" becoming all the more apparent. It's time I grow in this area. I really have no concept of the struggles, and demands of life but I'm dedicated to growing in this area.

I know within the first weeks of being in Toronto, God quickly revealed His purpose for me: to toughen me up. I had slowly lost sight of that goal, and in the last few weeks, I let myself get into a tailspin over what truly was God's plan was for me.

At first, I hesitated at considering employment as an option for my time here in Toronto, believing it would be a permanent situation, and would cancel any possibility of returning to the US. Oh the naivete of a 20-year-old student. My fear and my inexperience were not helping.

I'm not entirely sure where God wants me, but I am doing my best to use the time He's given me wisely, and not run before Him. It's a difficult process. I don't want to step outside of God's purpose because His pathway is the best route...but He's also given us freedom to grow in relationship with Him and learn the ins and outs of life. And that's what I'm learning to do right now - learning the balance of surrender and responsibility.

I have been waiting, and in the meantime God has given me delicious bread crumbs to egg on my spirit. I haven't experience an "Aha!" moment or direct revelation from God, but I'm thinking getting a job would be a positive option right now.

And I'm suspecting God had that planned all along, and was waiting for me to clue in. Granted, I have been employed once before - at this fast-food soup restaurant - but I sense now that God wants me to learn more independence and life skills.

Well...I might have that possibility sooner than I would have expected. I've been offered a month-long contract at Mark's Work Warehouse for the Christmas holidays. I was tempted to refuse at first only because I thought it would jeopardize my opportunity for a future internship or job in graphic or web work.

Not so, as my sister so kindly pointed out. Lesson #1 learned.

Let's see what else this world wants to teach me.

God's Economy

It has been quite a while since I've last posted -- 6 months to be precise. But the last 6 months have not been without its struggles, discoveries, and experiences. But it has been a period of my life that I would never give back.

If you don't know, I want to quickly explain my situation. For the last 3 years I had been living with my sister, Chandra, and her husband, Brian, in southeastern Pennsylvania. As a Canadian, I acquired an international student F1 visa to attend school for graphic design. The situation was great. They supported me and paid for my schooling and every expense, and I did my best to return the favor by acting as a nanny, babysitting their two girls, and working around the house.

In short, God has called Chandra, Brian, and their children to leave their lives behind - jobs and all - in PA and move to Colorado to start a ministry. I feel led by God to go with them. This calling has not come into fruition until this past year. While we faithfully worked every Saturday the past 3 years to get the house ready for that eventual sale, it was only about a year ago when God got the family in hyper mode. We finally had the house in a good enough selling state by May, and officially listed it that month.

It was an exciting time, since we all figured God would help us sell the house in time to move out by September. It seemed like perfect timing - timing God would pride himself in - since their youngest daughter Hailey would be starting kindergarten, and I'd be finished my degree in time to start a new one in Colorado. But the first several weeks we had no interest in the house. None. With each passing week, I have to admit my heart sank more and more as I struggled to maintain my faith. Finally, we got a couple nibbles, but nothing came of them.

Finally June arrived, and I was finishing the last class of my graphic design degree. As my graduation crept closer and closer, the need to sort out my future was becoming more eminent. I had to sort through a lot of frustration because I was begging God to reveal to me what I was supposed to be doing - applying for a college in PA, Colorado, a job, what? I felt hopeless because I wasn't hearing much. I questioned whether I was even doing the right thing. I feared having to go back to Canada. I had a month-long trip planned to Europe in July/August, and after that vacation, my F1 visa status would be terminated, and I would have to go back and live in Canada.

The possibility terrified me. Finally, my sister pointed out to me that my idea of my role in this life was to sit back, and have God use me as a puppet. I am a strong woman of God, and yet I have had a tantrum if God didn't lay out the trail of crackers for me. I wanted him to do it then. My future was in jeopardy, and I felt since I was making the big sacrifice to trust God, I figured he had to let me in on the plan.

One day I would trust God, and the next I would doubt Him. But through that time - this past summer - I have grown immensely in my trust in my Father. I have gone much deeper in the Word and in conversation with God, and slowly I am discovering who I thought God is isn't who He is in reality, but merely a convenient genie-in-a-bottle confined to my faulty human logic.

But my logic doesn't compare with God's wisdom. In Jesus' world, paradoxes are paramount! You must give up your life to save it. You are rich when you are poor. God makes you strong in your weakness. In short, God's economy isn't anything like our man-made economy. God was wanting so much more for me. He wanted me to step out in faith. Just like Gideon, He wanted me to recognize the strength and power within me.

I've since stepped up to the plate, and am starting to play an active role in my life with God. He has his plans, but I am dedicated to walking in close fellowship with Him so as to not lean on my own understanding, but His wisdom. Sometimes that means I inquire of Him, he instructs and I obey. I've got that down pretty good. But other times He wants us to walk out in active faith. He's not always going to spell it out. In fact, he's going to leave some acts of the play up to us.

And so, right now I am living with my parents in Toronto, Canada. It was a difficult transition, since I felt like I had no purpose here. I've since found a wonderful, God-fearing church who has welcomed me like one of their own. I've found small jobs here and there with my mother, and my other sister, Cindy - babysitting, cleaning etc. I feel like I am in a waiting period, but having so much time on my hand is a blessing because I have many more opportunities to really pursue God.

In this time, I believe that God wants me to use this waiting time to grow independent, and mature. I am practicing finally making my own decisions - both in my thought world, and the real world. Before, my thought processes were lacking. If ever I had a question, I'd just ask Chandra, and so my reasoning was TERRIBLE. Seriously, sometimes I think my logic was worse than my 4-year-old niece, Hailey.

And so, I've learned in this time that I will never begin to understand God's ways if I am constantly registering the data through my human filter. I think often God works according to our preconceived notions to sometimes humor us, help us, and other times because we're not ready to take it on. But He longs for a deeper connection with you. I want to learn how to play a role, but still have myself completely surrendered to God.

It's a strange, and confusing ideal to master, but I think if we're up to it God will help us every step of the way. Why does God petition us to not lean on our own understanding? It's because, well from our perspective, his logic is WHACK. As I can imagine what Chandra and Brian are thinking: "You mean you want me to quit my high-paying job to move to some far off land to start a ministry for you, which I still don't even know what it is?"

Jut read about Gideon and you'll get the picture. Read about Samson. David. Abraham. Ruth. Paul. Jesus. They're all stories that contain one painfully obvious element - none of the stories pan out like you'd expect.

I think if you could find an author who writes as masterfully as God writes out our lives, he would be a trillionaire. In the meantime, I'm going to grab a pen, and start writing out a draft with my Master Editor.

Identity in Divine

I'm the very passionate sort, and consequently I am thrown about often by the highs and lows of life. I am determined to find restoration and healing in my Father, but it's a slow and sometimes painful process. However, I know deep in my heart that my identity rests in God, and I am no happier anywhere else.

I feel called to great things in the future, but right now I know it is my time to learn how to walk with God without fumbling so frequently. I am desperate to hear His Word and truly experience him in relationship. Unfortunately, though I can be a very strong, determined (and even stubborn) woman, I have not channeled this strength into my journey with God. I have been so wounded so much in my previous years that I sadly use my persistence to believe negative, foul beliefs and thoughts.

However, I am determined to turn that around by the grace and gentleness of God's hand. God has planted in me deep desires, a great love, and strong will and this is my time to learn how to use them for the glory of His Kingdom.

This is my journey with God. My, let's say, process of learning how to walk before it is God's will that I run.