The last couple months have definitely been a growing experience for myself. Yet I still feel so small when faced with the big expanse that awaits me, which most would call my 'future'. I think the moment when I start to feel secure and at ease in my circumstances is the moment God is most interested in stirring things up.
I've been comfortable now for the last 3 years. I know I never would have considered such a thing to be reality, but it is entirely accurate. It does not mean I didn't have to work hard, but things were presented to me in such a neat, little package that I took for granted much of the time.
My living expenses were completely taken care of by my sister and brother-in-law. And since I cannot work in the US with a student Visa, there was no pressure or expectation to get a job. Of course the agreement was that I would care for their two children whenever I was not in school, and follow up with my routine chores, but I really had no outside pressure I had to respond to.
I received a handful of graphic and web jobs through the church and friends. Sometimes it resulted in money; other times it didn't. But I was content. I was doing what I loved , and getting experience for it. It filled up my time nicely.
As long as I okayed it with the 'rents, I could come and go as I please. I was free to use their vehicles. I was welcomed as one of the family. I felt like I was living what I had lost out in my childhood.
Despite the hellish issues I had to overcome because of spiritual and family upbringing , life was pretty sweet. And I knew it. I just never wanted it to end.
Now I am faced with a huge emptiness before me that I am tempted to fill - my daunting future. I still feel God is leading me to reside in the US, but as of right now, that calling doesn't seem to be coming to fruition quite yet. I got myself in the country for 3 years, and I know that what I was doing was exactly where God wanted me to be.
But where to now? I was accepted into Colorado Technical University in Colorado Springs in anticipation of my sister and brother-in-law moving out to Colorado. However, there has not been one offer on their house, and my start date is January. As of right now, it appears as if I should brace myself and prepare for the harsh Canadian winter.
But what to do now? That question has plagued me for the last couple weeks. My hopes were high that God would perform some miracle to allow me the way to return to the US, but as I spend more time in Toronto, I'm beginning to suspect God doesn't want me back in the US quite yet.
And so, the alternative has been testing for me - getting a job in Toronto. Yes, when I first started college I was this emotionally weak, stunted girl who panicked whenever she would handle any life task of her own (making a phone call, having an appointment, visiting a new area). However, I've matured so much in that aspect because Chandra and Brian refused to coddle me, but instead chose to love, and support me. I resented them for it at first; now I feel eternally indebted to them.
God knew that I needed to grow emotionally before I could properly handle bigger demands. He has helped me tremendously in becoming more emotionally healthy, but now I'm finding my lack of experience with the "real world" becoming all the more apparent. It's time I grow in this area. I really have no concept of the struggles, and demands of life but I'm dedicated to growing in this area.
I know within the first weeks of being in Toronto, God quickly revealed His purpose for me: to toughen me up. I had slowly lost sight of that goal, and in the last few weeks, I let myself get into a tailspin over what truly was God's plan was for me.
At first, I hesitated at considering employment as an option for my time here in Toronto, believing it would be a permanent situation, and would cancel any possibility of returning to the US. Oh the naivete of a 20-year-old student. My fear and my inexperience were not helping.
I'm not entirely sure where God wants me, but I am doing my best to use the time He's given me wisely, and not run before Him. It's a difficult process. I don't want to step outside of God's purpose because His pathway is the best route...but He's also given us freedom to grow in relationship with Him and learn the ins and outs of life. And that's what I'm learning to do right now - learning the balance of surrender and responsibility.
I have been waiting, and in the meantime God has given me delicious bread crumbs to egg on my spirit. I haven't experience an "Aha!" moment or direct revelation from God, but I'm thinking getting a job would be a positive option right now.
And I'm suspecting God had that planned all along, and was waiting for me to clue in. Granted, I have been employed once before - at this fast-food soup restaurant - but I sense now that God wants me to learn more independence and life skills.
Well...I might have that possibility sooner than I would have expected. I've been offered a month-long contract at Mark's Work Warehouse for the Christmas holidays. I was tempted to refuse at first only because I thought it would jeopardize my opportunity for a future internship or job in graphic or web work.
Not so, as my sister so kindly pointed out. Lesson #1 learned.
Let's see what else this world wants to teach me.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
God's Economy
It has been quite a while since I've last posted -- 6 months to be precise. But the last 6 months have not been without its struggles, discoveries, and experiences. But it has been a period of my life that I would never give back.
If you don't know, I want to quickly explain my situation. For the last 3 years I had been living with my sister, Chandra, and her husband, Brian, in southeastern Pennsylvania. As a Canadian, I acquired an international student F1 visa to attend school for graphic design. The situation was great. They supported me and paid for my schooling and every expense, and I did my best to return the favor by acting as a nanny, babysitting their two girls, and working around the house.
In short, God has called Chandra, Brian, and their children to leave their lives behind - jobs and all - in PA and move to Colorado to start a ministry. I feel led by God to go with them. This calling has not come into fruition until this past year. While we faithfully worked every Saturday the past 3 years to get the house ready for that eventual sale, it was only about a year ago when God got the family in hyper mode. We finally had the house in a good enough selling state by May, and officially listed it that month.
It was an exciting time, since we all figured God would help us sell the house in time to move out by September. It seemed like perfect timing - timing God would pride himself in - since their youngest daughter Hailey would be starting kindergarten, and I'd be finished my degree in time to start a new one in Colorado. But the first several weeks we had no interest in the house. None. With each passing week, I have to admit my heart sank more and more as I struggled to maintain my faith. Finally, we got a couple nibbles, but nothing came of them.
Finally June arrived, and I was finishing the last class of my graphic design degree. As my graduation crept closer and closer, the need to sort out my future was becoming more eminent. I had to sort through a lot of frustration because I was begging God to reveal to me what I was supposed to be doing - applying for a college in PA, Colorado, a job, what? I felt hopeless because I wasn't hearing much. I questioned whether I was even doing the right thing. I feared having to go back to Canada. I had a month-long trip planned to Europe in July/August, and after that vacation, my F1 visa status would be terminated, and I would have to go back and live in Canada.
The possibility terrified me. Finally, my sister pointed out to me that my idea of my role in this life was to sit back, and have God use me as a puppet. I am a strong woman of God, and yet I have had a tantrum if God didn't lay out the trail of crackers for me. I wanted him to do it then. My future was in jeopardy, and I felt since I was making the big sacrifice to trust God, I figured he had to let me in on the plan.
One day I would trust God, and the next I would doubt Him. But through that time - this past summer - I have grown immensely in my trust in my Father. I have gone much deeper in the Word and in conversation with God, and slowly I am discovering who I thought God is isn't who He is in reality, but merely a convenient genie-in-a-bottle confined to my faulty human logic.
But my logic doesn't compare with God's wisdom. In Jesus' world, paradoxes are paramount! You must give up your life to save it. You are rich when you are poor. God makes you strong in your weakness. In short, God's economy isn't anything like our man-made economy. God was wanting so much more for me. He wanted me to step out in faith. Just like Gideon, He wanted me to recognize the strength and power within me.
I've since stepped up to the plate, and am starting to play an active role in my life with God. He has his plans, but I am dedicated to walking in close fellowship with Him so as to not lean on my own understanding, but His wisdom. Sometimes that means I inquire of Him, he instructs and I obey. I've got that down pretty good. But other times He wants us to walk out in active faith. He's not always going to spell it out. In fact, he's going to leave some acts of the play up to us.
And so, right now I am living with my parents in Toronto, Canada. It was a difficult transition, since I felt like I had no purpose here. I've since found a wonderful, God-fearing church who has welcomed me like one of their own. I've found small jobs here and there with my mother, and my other sister, Cindy - babysitting, cleaning etc. I feel like I am in a waiting period, but having so much time on my hand is a blessing because I have many more opportunities to really pursue God.
In this time, I believe that God wants me to use this waiting time to grow independent, and mature. I am practicing finally making my own decisions - both in my thought world, and the real world. Before, my thought processes were lacking. If ever I had a question, I'd just ask Chandra, and so my reasoning was TERRIBLE. Seriously, sometimes I think my logic was worse than my 4-year-old niece, Hailey.
And so, I've learned in this time that I will never begin to understand God's ways if I am constantly registering the data through my human filter. I think often God works according to our preconceived notions to sometimes humor us, help us, and other times because we're not ready to take it on. But He longs for a deeper connection with you. I want to learn how to play a role, but still have myself completely surrendered to God.
It's a strange, and confusing ideal to master, but I think if we're up to it God will help us every step of the way. Why does God petition us to not lean on our own understanding? It's because, well from our perspective, his logic is WHACK. As I can imagine what Chandra and Brian are thinking: "You mean you want me to quit my high-paying job to move to some far off land to start a ministry for you, which I still don't even know what it is?"
Jut read about Gideon and you'll get the picture. Read about Samson. David. Abraham. Ruth. Paul. Jesus. They're all stories that contain one painfully obvious element - none of the stories pan out like you'd expect.
I think if you could find an author who writes as masterfully as God writes out our lives, he would be a trillionaire. In the meantime, I'm going to grab a pen, and start writing out a draft with my Master Editor.
If you don't know, I want to quickly explain my situation. For the last 3 years I had been living with my sister, Chandra, and her husband, Brian, in southeastern Pennsylvania. As a Canadian, I acquired an international student F1 visa to attend school for graphic design. The situation was great. They supported me and paid for my schooling and every expense, and I did my best to return the favor by acting as a nanny, babysitting their two girls, and working around the house.
In short, God has called Chandra, Brian, and their children to leave their lives behind - jobs and all - in PA and move to Colorado to start a ministry. I feel led by God to go with them. This calling has not come into fruition until this past year. While we faithfully worked every Saturday the past 3 years to get the house ready for that eventual sale, it was only about a year ago when God got the family in hyper mode. We finally had the house in a good enough selling state by May, and officially listed it that month.
It was an exciting time, since we all figured God would help us sell the house in time to move out by September. It seemed like perfect timing - timing God would pride himself in - since their youngest daughter Hailey would be starting kindergarten, and I'd be finished my degree in time to start a new one in Colorado. But the first several weeks we had no interest in the house. None. With each passing week, I have to admit my heart sank more and more as I struggled to maintain my faith. Finally, we got a couple nibbles, but nothing came of them.
Finally June arrived, and I was finishing the last class of my graphic design degree. As my graduation crept closer and closer, the need to sort out my future was becoming more eminent. I had to sort through a lot of frustration because I was begging God to reveal to me what I was supposed to be doing - applying for a college in PA, Colorado, a job, what? I felt hopeless because I wasn't hearing much. I questioned whether I was even doing the right thing. I feared having to go back to Canada. I had a month-long trip planned to Europe in July/August, and after that vacation, my F1 visa status would be terminated, and I would have to go back and live in Canada.
The possibility terrified me. Finally, my sister pointed out to me that my idea of my role in this life was to sit back, and have God use me as a puppet. I am a strong woman of God, and yet I have had a tantrum if God didn't lay out the trail of crackers for me. I wanted him to do it then. My future was in jeopardy, and I felt since I was making the big sacrifice to trust God, I figured he had to let me in on the plan.
One day I would trust God, and the next I would doubt Him. But through that time - this past summer - I have grown immensely in my trust in my Father. I have gone much deeper in the Word and in conversation with God, and slowly I am discovering who I thought God is isn't who He is in reality, but merely a convenient genie-in-a-bottle confined to my faulty human logic.
But my logic doesn't compare with God's wisdom. In Jesus' world, paradoxes are paramount! You must give up your life to save it. You are rich when you are poor. God makes you strong in your weakness. In short, God's economy isn't anything like our man-made economy. God was wanting so much more for me. He wanted me to step out in faith. Just like Gideon, He wanted me to recognize the strength and power within me.
I've since stepped up to the plate, and am starting to play an active role in my life with God. He has his plans, but I am dedicated to walking in close fellowship with Him so as to not lean on my own understanding, but His wisdom. Sometimes that means I inquire of Him, he instructs and I obey. I've got that down pretty good. But other times He wants us to walk out in active faith. He's not always going to spell it out. In fact, he's going to leave some acts of the play up to us.
And so, right now I am living with my parents in Toronto, Canada. It was a difficult transition, since I felt like I had no purpose here. I've since found a wonderful, God-fearing church who has welcomed me like one of their own. I've found small jobs here and there with my mother, and my other sister, Cindy - babysitting, cleaning etc. I feel like I am in a waiting period, but having so much time on my hand is a blessing because I have many more opportunities to really pursue God.
In this time, I believe that God wants me to use this waiting time to grow independent, and mature. I am practicing finally making my own decisions - both in my thought world, and the real world. Before, my thought processes were lacking. If ever I had a question, I'd just ask Chandra, and so my reasoning was TERRIBLE. Seriously, sometimes I think my logic was worse than my 4-year-old niece, Hailey.
And so, I've learned in this time that I will never begin to understand God's ways if I am constantly registering the data through my human filter. I think often God works according to our preconceived notions to sometimes humor us, help us, and other times because we're not ready to take it on. But He longs for a deeper connection with you. I want to learn how to play a role, but still have myself completely surrendered to God.
It's a strange, and confusing ideal to master, but I think if we're up to it God will help us every step of the way. Why does God petition us to not lean on our own understanding? It's because, well from our perspective, his logic is WHACK. As I can imagine what Chandra and Brian are thinking: "You mean you want me to quit my high-paying job to move to some far off land to start a ministry for you, which I still don't even know what it is?"
Jut read about Gideon and you'll get the picture. Read about Samson. David. Abraham. Ruth. Paul. Jesus. They're all stories that contain one painfully obvious element - none of the stories pan out like you'd expect.
I think if you could find an author who writes as masterfully as God writes out our lives, he would be a trillionaire. In the meantime, I'm going to grab a pen, and start writing out a draft with my Master Editor.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Identity in Divine
I'm the very passionate sort, and consequently I am thrown about often by the highs and lows of life. I am determined to find restoration and healing in my Father, but it's a slow and sometimes painful process. However, I know deep in my heart that my identity rests in God, and I am no happier anywhere else.
I feel called to great things in the future, but right now I know it is my time to learn how to walk with God without fumbling so frequently. I am desperate to hear His Word and truly experience him in relationship. Unfortunately, though I can be a very strong, determined (and even stubborn) woman, I have not channeled this strength into my journey with God. I have been so wounded so much in my previous years that I sadly use my persistence to believe negative, foul beliefs and thoughts.
However, I am determined to turn that around by the grace and gentleness of God's hand. God has planted in me deep desires, a great love, and strong will and this is my time to learn how to use them for the glory of His Kingdom.
This is my journey with God. My, let's say, process of learning how to walk before it is God's will that I run.
I feel called to great things in the future, but right now I know it is my time to learn how to walk with God without fumbling so frequently. I am desperate to hear His Word and truly experience him in relationship. Unfortunately, though I can be a very strong, determined (and even stubborn) woman, I have not channeled this strength into my journey with God. I have been so wounded so much in my previous years that I sadly use my persistence to believe negative, foul beliefs and thoughts.
However, I am determined to turn that around by the grace and gentleness of God's hand. God has planted in me deep desires, a great love, and strong will and this is my time to learn how to use them for the glory of His Kingdom.
This is my journey with God. My, let's say, process of learning how to walk before it is God's will that I run.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)