Friday, April 22, 2011

Here I Am, Send Me!

Today, I have felt beyond blessed and touched. God used me for His Kingdom and for that I am so grateful for He knows that though I may fall short and get distracted that that is truly my deepest desire—to be used completely, wholly and mightily for the Kingdom of God!

After months of practicing, I was blessed to play the lead role in my church's rendition of this popular skit, performed to the music of Everything by Lifehouse.  Butterflies and all, the performance turned out to have such impact, as hoped and prayed for!  So many approached the team afterwards, thanking us for our sacrifice, sharing how deeply moving and stirring it was.  Though I was giving my time and talent to bless others, I don't think those who spoke to me knew how encouraging, and faith-strengthening their words were.

But not only did I have the privilege to perform in the drama, I had a chance to share my testimony. It definitely was a stretching moment for here I was, standing before hundreds of people, pouring out my heart & soul.  God knew I so desperately wanted to make an impact, but I just didn't know if my words could cut it.

But the truth of the matter was that from the very moment I was asked to perform in this place, I felt a stirring in me that I was to do more than just act in this drama... I should have recognized then that God had a purpose in mind, and was going to use me in spite of my fumbling words,  awkwardness and anxiety.

And He did.  A week before the performances, our director asked if one of us would be interested in sharing our testimony in conjunction with the drama.  Inside, my heart leaped with joy. "Here is the perfect opportunitiy!" I thought to myself. So our team prayed together and asked God to reveal to us personally who should speak.  But before we began praying, I knew already it was me.  God has already been calling me—pursuing my heart right from the beginning.

However, I was hesitant to immediately volunteer because my story doesn't have much of a "shock value".  But through this, God has been showing me that the shame, fear, confusion, and desperation for something more is just as rousing and meaningful for those struggles and experiences are at the core of every human experience.  Regardless, though, any word—no matter how uneducated or well spoken—will make an impact if it is breathed from the Spirit of God, and comes from the heart of God.  And He promises to move in us when we take a step out in faith, and proclaim His love.

And that is exactly what I wanted to do.  I wanted to proclaim the power of God's saving grace in my life—to declare His unending love, and passionate pursuit of me.  I wanted to give a testimony to my God as an offering, and also reach others.

So as we began to pray in our group for God's will, I told God that if no one else volunteered in a fair amount of time, that I would offer.  And so after we finished praying, our leader asked if God stirred anyone's heart to which was followed by silence. In the moment, I swore everyone could hear the pounding of my heart, and I could bear the silence no longer so I spoke up.

Granted, maybe I wasn't acting in complete faith by giving God a condition of my acceptance (and I possibly could have lost out!) but God has always been so loving and patient to work with my insecurities.  I know at times we think God will just walk away from us because we're being difficult or challenging His direction but it is quite the opposite.

Just think of Abraham and when God threatened to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, a city rife with debauchery deserving destruction.  But Abraham, moved with compassion, petitioned God to have mercy on the city if he could find, ultimately, but one righteous soul....   In the end, Abraham's search was unsuccessful, but it just shows that when we approach God out of love, earnestness, and a true desire of our heart, He will listen even in our short-sightenedness and over-eargerness.

And this marvelous grace, and love draws me closer and closer to the heart of God.  I can't help but follow the beautiful aroma that is the presence of God.  And as my love deepens, I desire more to speak of His goodness (though I have yet to be less afraid to do so!).

And as this desire burns in me, and as I fail to sate it by speaking little of God's greatness to those around me, the burden grows like a a pregnant woman desiring to give birth.  But oh how this burden is refreshing, and freeing once I finally give birth!  For today I have experienced a new weight...  I am beginning to understand the Bible's exhortations that a teacher must be upright, without reproach.  I feel that having now been bold and stepped out in faith and shared my story, and stirred people's hearts, I feel a greater responsibility to answer the call.  I know I am being called to a higher plan with God in order to bring up people, and draw them nearer to God, as He has done with me.

But when I contemplate that, it feels like such a large hurtle like an ominous mountain lies before me.  But I must remind myself that God equips those He calls...  For even in my fear, even in my anxiety,  even in my inexperience, in God's hands, and following His lead—seeking first His Kingdom—He was sufficient for me with this drama, and He will be sufficient in every future endeavor for each of us.

 In fact, God has a penchant for using the weak, improbable, unpopular and lame to fulfill His purposes—that is when He shines best!  I think of Paul whose life God transformed from a persecutor of God's people to one who was then saving souls for the Kingdom!  I think of Peter and the disciples who were mere unlearned tradesmen and fishermen who spokes words of grandeur, proclaiming fearlessly and effortlessly the Gospel.  I think of Gideon and his army where God specifically requested but 300 men to fight against an army of thousands just so that He could flex His muscles!  How can one not be humbled by such a grand, audacious God??

It is in the unlikely—especially the seemingly impossible—that God's character and mission stands apart, challenging what we believe and think we know.  For it is in our weakness that His power is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9).

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